Today I found something I scribbled in a notebook maybe a year ago. I’m not the biggest fan of the end, but thought I’d share:
because you linger in my mind like an autumn leaf clinging with childlike fingers to a tawny spine, or a memory, whose thought it so sublime and whips, that I’m afraid it will flutter passively away on the slightest of blustery fall afternoons // so if you would just let me rest in your shadow, in the cap of an acorn, blanketed in the morning fog and cobwebs, until the next breeze, take it all in, do as we please.
a list: of fresh pecans, of a house-dwelling black cat socializing well with an outdoor cat, of warm cider, of halloween coloring books, of pumpkins from a farm.
autumn has a charm that makes my mornings before work worth documenting.
because the leaves rustled on spindly fingers as acorns on knobby twigs clacked together softly. and footsteps crunched along a layer of dried leaves and pecan shells previously disturbed by the light breezes of morning. and contentment.
And you always hold my wrist,
fragilely, as if it’s broken,
gingerly connecting two skin tones,
both marked with spider webs,
one pale like bones,
carefully weighing every interaction,
scanning details, as if I’ll dissipate,
transform into a pellucid phantom,
to perplex your glass-shielded eyes.
iced coffee before nine,
farm visits in between classes,
six birthday pumpkins,
fall leaves littered grasses.
October isn’t even close to being over and it’s already taught me so much. I’ve been able to seriously contemplate and flesh out the idea of moving up to Washington after I graduate. I’ve been able to cut toxic friends out of my life. I’ve been able to learn who values me. I’ve been able to learn what to value.
So while November is as a month of appreciation for many, October, you’re my month of gratitude.
So I’m thankful.
For a cute cat who can be the sweetest, most cuddly (seemingly innocent) black bat, yet still think it’s fun to eat and shred pages of her mom’s rented textbooks.
For parents who I’ve become more close with and come to respect more than my high school self would have ever thought possible.
For new experiences.
For a guy who thinks my chubby cheeks are cute and feeds me ramen while I ramble (and sometimes rant) about nothing particularly important.
For autumn breezes.
For beautiful friends who write me love letters, support me, sacrifice time for talks over cups of coffee, and are quick to forgive my (many) mistakes when needed.
For apple cider.
For gracefully letting go and expectantly taking in.
…So October, you’ve been more helpful than you know.